[LOG.ENTRY//DEC-2025]

here hangs our beautiful start

this month was average at best, I think I'm still processing what happened the last couple of months and trying to make the best of it

A "WOKE" FESTIVAL

I went to a "festival of equality" this month
I think a right winger would describe it as some kind of woke get together and then just explode,,, it was a interesting day filled with a lot of info

it's not political per se, in the sense that there aren't any political parties involved, but some topics do focus on the political side of things

saw some really interesting things including: how language is important and how the language you speak changes the context of a situation, a panel about labels and autism, and finally a talk about how the food industry is making us sick

"why dont we just abolish the food industry" was one of the questions asked, it was kinda funny,,, the guy doing the talk said at the end "it was nice being in a leftist temple"

but to be honest I couldn't find the motivation to go all 3 weeks because I was so tired of all the input,,, as much as I love this festival, I always have had a negative feeling connected to it
the talks are so interesting but you cant imagine (maybe you can, I dont doubt you) the heavy feeling of going to there alone, getting so much input and then having the feeling that you are just a dot in the crowd

EDUCATION

I did a exam this month to see if I am eligible to study higher education,,, and good news in february I'm starting my journey to get a bachelor in applied computer science!! (ugh what a big word just to say I'll work with computers)

this stupid little exam changed the trajectory of my life

the reason why I had to take this exam first was because I don't have any diplomas because my parents homeschooled me (more so unschooled me) ever
since 1st grade,,, so you can imagine the the negative parts and one of the big ones is missing out on irl friends
BUT luckily thanks to the small exam I did I can go back to school, yay :D
fun fact: I will be the first one in my family with any sort of higher education,,, and I'm coming from literally zero,,,, it sounds kinda stupid but I'm really proud of this

other than that I've been keeping myself busy with-

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so, change of plans, the last half of this month has been a rollercoaster! and maybe that's putting it lightly,,, the second half (including new years!) has started off with my drafting into an old friend group (again), discovering the most emotional album of my life, and- wait I'm getting ahead of myself, lets start at the start

oh, we should talk about tomska's law first, as this is how this journey starts,
tomska's law is defined as: "anything you say online can and will be seen by the person you're said it about"

what might tomska's law have in relevance to this log? well,,, As it turns out, snooping other people's repositories pays off
but let's first backtrack a bit,,,

CONTEXT: A LITTLE STORY

where this month's log ends in DECEMBER 2025, this story actually takes us back to DECEMBER 2024,,, going a bit full circle huh

I'll spare you the details but here's the most importent stuff:

I made a new friend in DECEMBER 2024, I mean it took us like a couple of months before we fully started talking, not because we didn't have anything in common but because this little brain of me thought "oh shit, this person is too cool for us"

anyway, we somehow started talking on discord, and then that little voice in my brain stopped, I felt free to be myself without pressure, we had this silly dynamic going on, we bonded over music, heck we even got to make music together which motivated me to get back into music,,, and then something happened I couldn't dream of: I got invited into a friend group!!

so to be finally be in a friend group again felt so great,,, but wait before I knew,,,

the friendship ended in october, no need to sugarcoat it, it felt like a punch in the face, I think it broke some stuff inside me
but I do now know (which I didn't at the time) that this was just a ticking time bomb of badly timed things out of everyone's control

this month wasn't the best month, it started off with some heavy stuff that left me empty but I'm slowly piecing myself back together again

when I was first unadded by this friend, I then decided to straight up remove a gift she made for me, a really nice pfp but I decided to remove it after this situation because I wanted to respect the boundary but I guess it was more so to distance myself from this era of me. I wanted distance from this bad part of me, It didn't directly have anything to do with her
But she didn't seem to realize that as the very last message I got from this person after that was simply "don't come back btw"
I took that a bit too harsh and I saw that as a clear signal to keep distance

also important to note: as far as I know after our friendship fell apart her site repo was completely private

DECEMBER 14 sub title: DEFUSING A 'BOMB' VIA GITHUB

and there it was, the commit that changed the course of this month: she made her site back public on the 13th with a commit mentioning me and a piece of code I helped with,,, and this is where tomska's law comes into play because a day after that commit I happened to see it, what a surprise that I was mentioned

okay okay I have some explaining to do, I still looked at her github repo every once and a while, I cant lie,,, I know that there was a clear boundary made and I would never cross it, I was never planning on engaging,,, I was just curious how it went with her, but being nosy has its perks apparently?!

the commit was simply asking if a specific snippet use was okay, I was thinking like why not?? and this is where the ball started rolling

I was treading as slow as I could, I had to really keep myself in to just say "wanna chat on discord?" because a part of me was still unsure and scared to cross a boundary, I really didn't know where the boundaries were at this point

I was expecting it to end right here, this was my only chance, I could only do so much,,, heck I never drafted so many different versions of a fucking commit, I was genuinely anxious because this was my only way to rebuild this friendship

but a couple of commits back and forth we actually get to talk on discord! I never in a million years thought I would rebuild a friendship via commits,,, but it happened, it felt like I was defusing a bomb via github

surprisingly after we started talking on discord again the dynamic was back again as if it was yesterday, it was clear that there were some misunderstandings from both sides that made more sense when we started talking,,,
I feel like maybe this whole situation made our friendship better? like to just rebuild something like this without any lasting damage, even with the misunderstandings at the start, is definitely something

MONARCH OF MONSTERS sub title: HOW A MLP ARTIST YOU MADE ME CRY

guess what? I actually got invited back again into that friend group which means a lot even though they invited me in such a casual tone

anyway, a couple of days later she was talking a lot about and recommended an album that an artist she was obsessed with made, the name is familiar to me because I actually had it on my list of albums I want to listen,,, so I decided why not, I'll give it a try, it cant be that bad

to paint a small picture: the day I listen to this album I woke up extremely heavy, I was tired and just simply felt like shit,,, okay nothing special,,, I can listen to this album and move on

I woke up with so much sadness and I dont know why, i just want to cry into someone's arms

and then the first song hit me so hard I just started crying, I was not expecting this,,, the opening line of pest immediately broke me, I was sitting here with my notebook in front of me crying my eyes out

don't let the soft piano intro of the first song deceive you, this song, heck this whole album will play dirty tricks in you to hit you from places you forgot about,,, BUT PLEASE let it do that, let it abuse you

when listening to this album, try to sit down and listen to it fully through, I literally screamed fuck! when I realised I was listening on shuffle at the first songs but I just restarted it and it's worth it

and so I let this album take me along for its journey, as a sort of soundtrack of my emotions,,, at the last song I was crying so hard, I don't think I have ever cried so much ,,, it felt great to let go of these feelings like this

it has some uncomfortable parts and some parts where it takes it's jolly time to build which was right at the border of feeling too slow but it rewards you for your patience,,, the vocal performances has so many emotions, it so well done

A DIGITAL HUG

okay,,, i don't think that any sort of incident or great day could have ever truly prepared me to receive a response like this from you. much less something of this length and caliber...

I was smart enough to write my thoughts down and sorry, I literally couldn't keep these thoughts to myself so I decided to send a message to the friend who recommended this album to me, after being encouraged several times by her

it was a mix of a light vent and a thank you note, I was shaking it when I sent it but it was needed, if I didn't do that then these feelings would've eaten me up

and I got a message I didnt expect back, it meant the world to me, heck they even made a edit of the whole commit war thing we had!

we then started chatting and long story short: the night ended with a messy 800 word vent from me,,, I normally hate venting, I've never done it before and it just feels wrong,,, but this time, it was needed, it felt like getting fresh air,,, it addressed so much what I was feeling & I think keeping it to myself would've been a bad idea

I felt the lowest low but also highest high that day,,, bonding about something like this made feel so much fucking better and I think it strengthen our friendship, it changed my world view,,, this whole situation made me feel extremely happy

this whole situation maybe didn't fix it directly, but I do feel like I have the building bricks to get started, and I'm finally not alone with this

it feels weird to say that this album is/was life changing for me but I literally cannot imagine my life without this piece of art in it

I've been in my head non stop trying to figure out what it is that made me so heavy today and listening to this album was like an fragile cocktail of emotions exploding in my face (or more so my ears I guess?)

To know that this is temporary, that I will have to let go one day, is already tugging at me.

It's like when you're at a concert and the show has just begun but you know that eventually the show will end and the energy in that room will just be a memory, they'll start the last song and you'll know it's the end. I'm just at the start of the show and I know that, I'll focus on the good times but this is hard to forget.

Is it progress lost or progress made when something like this ends? I- I don't know, I don't have to know... at least not right now.

This cycle feels familiar, it has happened before, multiple times, but the emotional baggage is different this time. I don't know why, maybe it doesn't need an answer.

Something deep but also shallow, everything and nothing, loud and quiet all at once. I wonder if we see this the same way… and I guess that’s what scares me. But even if we don’t, I’m still glad it’s real to me.

There are moments I worry I come on too strong, but I’m trying to be real, not overwhelming or annoying. I'm not here for validation but for connection... That means seeing things differently.

The hardest part is the fear, that part is on me, fear that you might see me differently than I see you. I don’t know how to say any of this, and maybe you don’t either. Maybe you haven't thought about it in this way as I do, that’s okay too

I'm crying while writing this and I don't know why, nothing has happened, but maybe because I care a bit too much. I'll see you soon, it's not the end.

I hope you think of me as I think of you, not in an overly special kind of way, but simply as someone who matters.

This probably doesn't change anything and that is a good thing! It just needed a place outside of my head. Thank you for your time, see you soon.

\\\

I just wished my mind would rest for a second, never been so fulfilled in my life while at the same time feeling all this pressure, and it's all from me to me

THE FUTURE

is looking bright, at I least I think so!

I think this whole month was a fork in the road for me but I can't imagine a better timeline than this one

"I can't see a future, I can't see a past" vylet pony, vitality glitch
this sums up pretty much how I felt at the start of the month, everything collapsed on me, so its no surprise why this album hit as hard as it did

a new year, a new me? probably not, but this month gave me the movement I needed to fully start this new year without getting stuck in a rut
I'm finding motivation to work on creative projects again like this site and music which feels great, I'll maybe never get close to the creative peak I had but at least I'm having fun
my goal for 2026 is to make a collection of music that I feel confident to share

if you want to read the other side of this story then go check out [ TANTO'S POV ]

to end the month I think this fits great:

I don't know what the future holds, we'll figure it all out in time

to whoever who is reading this: keep your friends close and please remind then you love them

to you: I keep rehashing this but thank you, you truly dont know what this all means to me,,, in the end you were the shoulder I could cry on and taking the time to be there for me is so appreciated,,, I hope this is the start to more beautiful things to come,,, happy fucking new year!